my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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