Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
