Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He felt like a one man threesome
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
