i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
