So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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