So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
