Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
