Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
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