A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
