Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
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His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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