My underwear smells like fireworks.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
