yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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