:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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