My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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