dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
