Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
