Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
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i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
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Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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