it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"