guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?