I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
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she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
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I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed