My room smells like vodka and shame
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
