i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
