I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
