If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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