I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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