p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
