I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
