I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
