Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
