That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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