Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
