I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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