My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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