i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
