i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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