ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
