I'm so fucking centered right now
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
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I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
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Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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