Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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