I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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