I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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