What a fucking waste of an outfit
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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