nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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