do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
