We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
