We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
