I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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