the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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