A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
