Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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