I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
