Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
