Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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