i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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