It's a beautiful day for a hangover
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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