and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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