Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
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