Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
