so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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