So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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